Guest Week: Berserk

-or, spreading disease for fun and profit

I suppose an explanation is in order: this week, Casey decided to play a "real deck."  In his stead, I decided to borrow one of Sean's decks and contribute an article.  You can call me Pants, and you should know that there is a vast, unknowable void in my heart that holds only hate for my opponents.  More on that later.

For this stout seventeen-man tournament, I borrowed Sean's Berserk deck.  For those of you who are too poor to afford foreign cards,  I must tell you, a fully-foreign deck is a sight to behold.  It contained the stock list of infect men and pump spells, with a few spicy pieces such as 3x Revenge of the Hunted (Korean), 2 Snap (German), and 2 Misdirection (T-Chinese).  The sideboard had an assortment of cards, featuring 4 Submerge (T-Chinese), 2 Reverent Silence (T-Chinese), four cards I always boarded in over 2 Snap/2 Misdirection, and two German cards for which I neglected to ask for an oracle text.

Round 1:Hell on Earth is Real and I Play Against it Round One

When I sat down, I recognized my opponent.  Many moons ago, when our local legacy scene was in its infancy, he played regularly;  he was back, he said, with a spicy brew.  I was immediately confident in my ability to mercilessly pound him, my first perceived victory on the road to twenty-five dollars store credit.
I kept a hand of Blighted Agent x2, Glistener Elf, Inkmoth Nexus x2, Misty Rainforest, Forest.  With basically any spell gas, I anticipated a quick victory.  He led with a turn one Swamp, go.  Strong!  I ripped another Glistener Elf, fetched out a valuable Tropical Island, and cast an elf.  My opponent was unfamiliar with both the card and the poison mechanic, and remarked that it was hard to play when my cards were foreign.  Just to be safe, he decided to cast Funeral Charm during my end step.

Let's take a look at Funeral Charm.  Funeral Charm has three modes.  For those of you who aren't familiar with numbers, three is a strictly better number than two.  Strictly!  Those modes are: target player discards a card; or target creature gets +2/-1 until end of turn; or target creature gains swampwalk until end of turn.  God, those are fine modes.  You can't find modes like that just anywhere!
This was slightly worrisome; there's a certain combination deck/player that is unbeatable; the man who hasn't played in nine years will inevitably show up with old-school Merfolk and play against your Merfolk deck round one. His deck, however, has three main-deck Seasingers and four sideboard Merfolk Assassins.

Uneasy, I watched as he untapped, drew for turn, laid a white-bordered swamp, and cast a Dark Confidant.  I untapped and went to draw my card, but my opponent informed me that he was not yet done. 
 Perplexed, anger building, I watched as he pondered his hand, then shipped, telling me he was just screwing with me.  I drew a Gitaxian Probe (T-Chinese), and cast it.  The probe revealed Snuff Out, Gatekeeper of Malakir, Spinning Darkness, Nyaxathid, and Swamp.  He remarked that he had thought about using Snuff Out on my elf, but instead opted to use Funeral Charm.  Cool!  Sweet!  Rad!
The rest of the game went predictably; I played a man, he used single-target removal.  Nyaxathid, suitably large, decided to turn sideways, directly into my face.  My board plan was more dudes, less crap, and a miser's Pact of Negation (Japanese).

I decided to play, and saw a hand that contained one man and six lands.  I mull'd into a six that consisted of Probe, Elf, Berserk, Invigorate, Brainstorm, Hierarch.  I kept, probed, and drew Blighted Agent.  My next draws were Revenge of the Hunted, Blighted Agent, and Pact of Negation.  My opponent made bold moves, casting Inquisition of Kozilek, followed by Hymn to Tourach, then next turn another Inquisition of Kozilek.  It was at that point I decided to end my pain in style, with no lands in play and a three-card hand, by casting Pact of Negation.

A bystander remarked that it was a good return to Magic for my opponent; I thanked him for his observation.

Round Two: Bringing a Knife to a Global Thermonuclear War

My round two opponent was a shop regular who was just in the legacy event to have fun.  I believe that his deck was Junk Standard Budget Tokens™.  In game one I played an unblockable man followed by spells that increased his power.  Game two was not substantially different.

Round Three: Lilith, Bride of Samael

My round three opponent happened to be the girlfriend of my round one opponent.  I had watched her finish one of her earlier matches, so I knew she was playing affinity, which I felt as though I should win against, barring a nut draw from my opponent.  I started the match in relatively high spirits despite losing the die roll.

Turn one Vault of Whispers, Mox Opal, Springleaf Drum, Memnite, Frogmite, tap Memnite w/drum to cast Thoughtcast.  A strong start!  My hand was not so strong, leading off with a Glistener Elf, then a pass of priority until the beginning of my end step.  Her second turn, she cast a second Thoughtcast, put a third artifact land into play, and cast Master of Etherium.  I still had a chance to win, however, as I had an Inkmoth Nexus in my hand, as well as an Invigorate.  I would merely need to draw a Berserk, live until turn three, then swing in and pump.  I was able to play lands, but unfortunately I could not find a Berserk, and in the subsequent turns my opponent cast a third Thoughtcast as well as a second Master of Etherium.
In between the first and second game, I asked a judge what the oracle text on Reverent Silence was, heard him say enchantment, and ignored everything else.  I boarded out 2x Misdirection 2x Snap, looked at two German cards from Mirage, and decided that since I didn't recognize them they were bad, and ultimately not worth sideboarding.

In game two, my opponent discovered how my deck worked, as I swung for one poison, then twelve.
I kept a solid seven in game three consisting of elf, agent, hierarch, invigorate, daze, 2x land.  My opponent led with Darksteel Citadel, Memnite, pass.  I opted to play the elf first so that I could swing for two the following turn, before she could play any meaty artifact men to block my sad little elf.  On her turn, she did not lay a land, and cast Springleaf Drum.  I dazed her drum, and she asked if she was allowed to tap it and Memnite to pay for Daze.   I informed her that her proposed sequence of actions was not possible, and she binned the drum, then shipped the turn.  I drew a probe and cast it, targeting her.  Her hand was 2x Master, Cranial Plating, Thoughtcast, Drum.  I felt vaguely worried, but I knew that she would have to have an impressive series of draws to remain in the game.  I cast Hierarch and swung for 2.

Fortunately for my opponent, she drew a Seat of the Synod, laid it down, cast Springleaf Drum, then tapped it and Memnite to cast Thoughtcast.  After that, she laid down a Frogmite.  The next couple turns are a blur, but I do remember losing and my opponent's board containing two Masters, two Myr Enforcers, Frogmite, and Memnite.

My opponent thanked me for the games, and told me that it was fun.  I responded with an affirmation that winning was indeed fun.  The same bystander that congratulated my opponent round one congratulated my round three opponent, remarking that it was a good showing for her first tournament, and enforcing that she should be proud of herself, as it was her first tournament.

Intermission: Dern Ferrin' Cards

I was sitting and chatting with Sean about how much I hated my life, the lack of justice, his two Misdirections in the mainboard, and racial inequality in the southern United States, and he asked how many times I drew Seeds of Innocence (German) in my affinity match.  I apologized for my ignorance and asked what Seeds of Innocence did.  Let's take a look, shall we?

Seeds of Innocence, Sorcery, 1GG - Destroy all artifacts. They can't be regenerated. The controller of each of those artifacts gains life equal to its converted mana cost.

Seems strong!  I sure wish I had asked for an oracle text on that German card in my sideboard!  Now, you may be calling me an idiot, and in fairness I am, but I have to explain my reasoning.  Sean has jammed the worst pieces of crap in my sideboards in the most obscure foreign languages multiple times, and every time I ask for an oracle text, I die a little inside.  I now know what Jihad does, and I have forgotten my grandfather's face in order to store that card knowledge.

Round Four: John Person is a Fine Southern Gentleman

I had erroneously assumed that since there was a third round, I could squeak in at 2-2, so I decided to put my game face on, forget that I had punted away a match to someone who just started playing Magic, and spread some disease!

My opponent for the fourth and final round was John Person, a very polite man who shows up to Magic events and never seems to talk to any of the people in our Magic sphere.  I sat down, asked him how the matchup was, and asked him how he felt about Lance Armstrong, as he was wearing a Livestrong bracelet. 
 He did not know what I was playing, but offered to tell me if I told him, to which I declined, then told me his opinion on the drug scandal with Lance Armstrong, which I found to be fair, given my knowledge of the situation (none).

It turned out John was playing Maverick, a matchup I was not familiar with, partially because I had never played my own deck before.  The first game was basically a single moment where I incorrectly cast Invigorate then Berserk on my elf before gaining a bonus from exalted; he had a chance to flash in Scryb Sprite, block with it and Mother of Runes, and go to nine poison.  Unfortunately for him, I had drawn a Vines of the Vastwood that turn, cast it, then wrote in my journal that I sacked into the win.

Game two I yet again boarded out 2x Misdirection 2x Snap in favor of 4x Ichorclaw Myr.  This proved to be an enormous advantage, as John had boarded out one of his three(?) Quasali Pridemages.  The sequence of plays for this game was a back-and-forth of Ichorclaw Myrs and Quasali Pridemages.  During John's final turn he tapped out for a Green Sun's Zenith where x=3 and put a Knight of the Reliquary into play.  During his end step I submerged his Knight and showed him my pump spells; he responded by showing me four lands and the Pridemage he had boarded out.

It turned out the entire fourth round was superfluous, and I was locked out of top 8.  I told Casey I'd have an article for him soon (lies) and that it would be a real page-turner, so to speak (more lies).  We discussed his performance with Doomsday, which I understand was abysmal, both in terms of results and the deck itself, much like every combo deck.

Overall, I think I'd like to play Berserk Infect again at some point.  It's a pretty simple deck, although mildly frustrating.  I don't think it requires anything tricky like Misdirection in the main; just men, pump, and the occasional countermagic.  As I said before, those slots were better off being men in basically every matchup, but I could see them having some use in the sideboard.  Daze performed particularly well, and I think I'd go down to two Revenge of the Hunted.  The deck can do very well against people who don't know what's going on and even against people who do, but I think it loses to any deck that can recur removal... or draw multiple Funeral Charms off of Dark Confidant.

Get pumped for next week, when Casey pilots Four Horsemen to multiple slow-play warnings and a request from the store owner to never come back!